Maybe

Journal entry written on 05/04/19
I think we are at an age where we understand that time is finite. That every moment matters. I don’t spend time doing anything I don’t wanna do or  being anywhere that I don’t wanna be. I’ve been hurt before. Nearly scarred. I use to love so easily. I had a natural appreciation for people and life itself. It only takes that one moment, that turning point, to change your entire perception of people. My past taught me that anyone can turn on you at the drop of a dime, regardless of history. That’s a lesson I won’t forget. I started doubting others more than usual. My suspicion at an all time high. I love being alone, and that doesn’t mean I don’t enjoy the company of others. The problem was, I couldn’t find anyone that I trusted with my time. That moment forever etched in my memory. It dictates who I allow into my life. Sometimes it comes in the form of fear. Fear of getting close to someone, and loving them. Fear of allowing them to love me. Fear that if I open my heart up I am liable to be left alone all over again, right as I was getting used to having someone around. I find comfort in the fact that we are all growing up and realizing that we are not here forever. The same way I don’t waste time being around people I don’t want to be around or in a place I don’t want to be, I believe that others share a similar mentality. That’s what helps me believe that maybe when a man tells me he wants to be around me and that he values his time with me, maybe he actually means it. Maybe I shouldn’t treat him as if he is something temporary. Maybe I should stick around  long enough to see if his actions follow suit.