To me the word blunt does not mean you get to say things without thinking about it or caring about people. It’s actually quite the opposite. The word blunt means that you take into consideration how what you say might affect someone. Then you make a conscious decision that it needs to be said, regardless of how a person might feel. There are pure intentions behind being blunt. This is me trying to tell you before the world has to tell you. Being blunt is the purest form of care... it’s truth.
I understand what the definition of true love is because of my 2 best friends. I know what loyalty is because for the past 7 years I've had 2 people in my life, who have never failed me. 2 people who stood by me as I watched my world crumble. 2 people who held my hand through my darkest moments, and never let it go. I have friends who have never seen me cry, but my 2, my soulmates held me as I let down my waterfall of tears. I am sure I have friends that don't even know my mother passed away. I met my 2 a couple years after her death, and the wounds were still fresh. When I finally opened up to them they loved me beyond measure. Took care of me. They welcomed me into their families, their parents treat me as if I was their own daughter. That sort of unconditional love I never even knew could exist outside of my own familial relationships. I have such a hard demeanor, I know I do. I spent most of my childhood in pain, so I try my best to stay as far away from that type of emotion. I have become this beautiful person. On the outside I was always tough, but privately I was a wreck. Dealing with loss and issues at home. My 2 help me get it together on both sides, publicly and privately. Never once did they complain. They loved me through it. They told me the truth, even when it was hard to hear. I owe them my life, and that's exactly why they are stuck with me. That's exactly why I am not easily impressed by words, I need that action behind it. They are the reason I am so sure of my worth. When it comes to men, I see no point in dating someone who doesn't possess the ability to love me from beginning to end. I see no point in dealing with people who I do not deem reliable. Will you love me into health? Because I'll dedicate my care to you if you promise to do the same. I learned that type of love from my 2. A big thank you them. My very best friends turned family.
Stop holding on to people that you know are not right for you out of fear of being alone. People deserve the chance to find someone that loves them into a different universe. You deserve that chance too.
I'd hate to find that you let yourself slip so far into the abyss, because you were waiting on someone to rescue you. I want us to care about ourselves more. I want us to understand that the only person capable of saving you is you. I often see people sit in depression just to see who will come around to help them. Basing their importance on what people will and won't do for them. Accusing friends of not being there for them, and totally disregarding the fact that everyone has their own stuff going on. Sometimes I see people ignore the help that they get, because they are so focused on testing a certain persons care for them. You may not always be surrounded by people you love and care about, but you are only truly alone if your soul is empty. Work on you. Love you before expecting others to love you. Give yourself respect so you can recognize when it is no longer present in your relationships. This will give you the ability to make the choice of walking away from people who do not treat you how you deserve. You set the bar. Expand your own mind. Become your own person. Figure out why things make you feel the way they do, and be confident enough to validate your own feelings. There are people who will make you feel like a villain for doing what's best for you, keep going. Make conscious choices. Cater to yourself.
Journal entry written on 05/04/19
I think we are at an age where we understand that time is finite. That every moment matters. I don’t spend time doing anything I don’t wanna do or being anywhere that I don’t wanna be. I’ve been hurt before. Nearly scarred. I use to love so easily. I had a natural appreciation for people and life itself. It only takes that one moment, that turning point, to change your entire perception of people. My past taught me that anyone can turn on you at the drop of a dime, regardless of history. That’s a lesson I won’t forget. I started doubting others more than usual. My suspicion at an all time high. I love being alone, and that doesn’t mean I don’t enjoy the company of others. The problem was, I couldn’t find anyone that I trusted with my time. That moment forever etched in my memory. It dictates who I allow into my life. Sometimes it comes in the form of fear. Fear of getting close to someone, and loving them. Fear of allowing them to love me. Fear that if I open my heart up I am liable to be left alone all over again, right as I was getting used to having someone around. I find comfort in the fact that we are all growing up and realizing that we are not here forever. The same way I don’t waste time being around people I don’t want to be around or in a place I don’t want to be, I believe that others share a similar mentality. That’s what helps me believe that maybe when a man tells me he wants to be around me and that he values his time with me, maybe he actually means it. Maybe I shouldn’t treat him as if he is something temporary. Maybe I should stick around long enough to see if his actions follow suit.
I don’t wanna allow myself to open up these days because people are temporary… Whether I am the one walking away or not. Shit never lasts. How do you tell people you see them as phases. The reason you won’t express your deepest thoughts is because in the back of your mind, one day they will leave. Or even worse, you might be the one walking away; being responsible for the pain of another. Maybe eventually you will grow so far apart that you don’t even remember each others faces. I don’t think loving someone is hard. The hard part is showing up. I thinking the loudest act of love is showing that you are capable of being present. Love. An action word. Love is something that can’t just be said, but has to be shown in order for it to have meaning. The least you can do during your short stay in someone's life, is make sure you have the best time possible. Focus, Honesty, Effort, Laughter. Don’t be afraid of giving someone these things, because you think that it is some sort of agreement that you are now stuck. You always have a choice. By giving the best version of yourself to people, one day you might be lucky enough to create something worth sticking around for.