You are Worthy & You are Worth it
The only way to be truly free of overthinking and stress while in a relationship is to have a strong sense of self worth. Look at things from a perspective that you are actually an addition to someone’s life. Be confident in that. Knowing this will allow you to accept the fact that if your partner does something to break the bond or trust, he or she is losing a valuable asset that is you. Knowing you are valuable will help you to better understand that there will be someone who will appreciate everything you bring to the table, because how could they not ! There is someone that will love every single part of you and work consistently to make sure that you are treated how you deserve. It all starts with you.
Context: a man that I’ve known since middle school. An old friend. Sends me this message after noticing a picture of my mother on my profile. My mother passed away almost a decade ago, I just started speaking about her 2 years ago.
I don’t think people understand what it means to be guarded. Guarded for me is not a choice. In fact I’m in a constant battle with myself everyday pleading with my mind to let my heart speak. I hate talking about things that genuinely have an impact on the quality of my life.
Losing my mother had been one of those things. I would say that majority of the people I went to school with had no idea that my mother passed away. I actually just started letting people know. I had gotten so used to avoiding having to speak about her death. Focusing so much on other people and their lives that there wasn’t any time to focus on me. I liked it that way. Focusing on me came with pity from others, and I didn’t want that. I didn’t want anyone treating me different. I didn’t want people to feel forced to be nice to me. I let the people think what they want. I believe that’s what my friends liked most about me. I let people think what they want and if they never spoke to me, I found no reason to clear up any misconceptions. I knew who I was. I knew what I had been through. Nobody could take that from me.
However, I didn’t realize that me withholding that emotion was noticeable. There had been so many things that transpired in my life, that losing my mother was not the start or the end of the pain in my life. I refrain from talking about it because it sounds unreal. The people that I do let know always tell me my life is like a movie. Sometimes in a good way, sometimes in a bad way. Foolish of me to think nobody would see through my smile or hear anything other than the sound of my laughter.
I was never taught to keep a smile and keep it pushing, but I saw what it looked like to dwell and I decided that wasn’t where I wanted to go in this lifetime. I made that decision by myself, I had little to no guidance in this life so I like to appreciate the little things I accomplish.
Even now, I struggle with vulnerability on this page, because just when I start feeling like I’m writing in my own personal diary, people start sending me my posts, responding to them, talking back to me, appreciating me and what I do. I love it, and I don’t know if I would still be here without the support. But it just reminds me that this is for the world to see. I don’t know who might see me, but it’s scary. Having someone see me. In a world where we all live our truth behind a facade, I am choosing to be open and it’s invigorating and frightening all at once.
Why is it that when we start new relationships, we question ourselves more than normal ? We want to be perfect. Every response must come across exactly the way we mean it, because we are thoughtful with our words. Not too nice, but not too mean. We want to be just right all the time, keep the conversation flowing. Keep it light. Sometimes at the expense of having conversations with any real depth.
And what happens when we come across a person who quite literally says whatever they want whenever they want? They don't care if some thing they say offends you or even if they lose you.
Logically you should want someone who also thinks before they speak. Consider you before they say the things they say and do the things they do.
But we don't always follow logic... We stay, we work with what we have and go through the motions. Going through the motions. It's dangerous territory.
What happens when things are no longer light and you need someone to support you. Is the foundation strong enough?
Since this has all started, things have been popping up in the forefront of my mind that would've otherwise been lost amongst the chaos that lives in my head. Memories, people, conversations.
My new favorite memory: randomly attending an open mic night on fairfax with my best friend, and coincidentally seeing one of my cousins bare his soul to the crowd with words that pierced like a knife. Displaying confidence I can only dream of having.
You see, that moment was everything to me. I knew my cousin to be shy and quiet, never really having much to say. That night I found out that everything that I thought I knew was absolutely wrong. I knew him all my life, but I feel like I met him for the first time that night.
July 25th, 2020
Rules of Attraction
Enjoy being single, don't take this time for granted. Focus on establishing yourself. Focus on friends & family. Live a little. Love will come, don't go looking for something that isn't there. Take time and form real connections. Have some fun.
To me the word blunt does not mean you get to say things without thinking about it or caring about people. It’s actually quite the opposite. The word blunt means that you take into consideration how what you say might affect someone. Then you make a conscious decision that it needs to be said, regardless of how a person might feel. There are pure intentions behind being blunt. This is me trying to tell you before the world has to tell you. Being blunt is the purest form of care... it’s truth.
F is for Friends
I understand what the definition of true love is because of my 2 best friends. I know what loyalty is because for the past 7 years I've had 2 people in my life, who have never failed me. 2 people who stood by me as I watched my world crumble. 2 people who held my hand through my darkest moments, and never let it go. I have friends who have never seen me cry, but my 2, my soulmates held me as I let down my waterfall of tears. I am sure I have friends that don't even know my mother passed away. I met my 2 a couple years after her death, and the wounds were still fresh. When I finally opened up to them they loved me beyond measure. Took care of me. They welcomed me into their families, their parents treat me as if I was their own daughter. That sort of unconditional love I never even knew could exist outside of my own familial relationships. I have such a hard demeanor, I know I do. I spent most of my childhood in pain, so I try my best to stay as far away from that type of emotion. I have become this beautiful person. On the outside I was always tough, but privately I was a wreck. Dealing with loss and issues at home. My 2 help me get it together on both sides, publicly and privately. Never once did they complain. They loved me through it. They told me the truth, even when it was hard to hear. I owe them my life, and that's exactly why they are stuck with me. That's exactly why I am not easily impressed by words, I need that action behind it. They are the reason I am so sure of my worth. When it comes to men, I see no point in dating someone who doesn't possess the ability to love me from beginning to end. I see no point in dealing with people who I do not deem reliable. Will you love me into health? Because I'll dedicate my care to you if you promise to do the same. I learned that type of love from my 2. A big thank you them. My very best friends turned family.
April 06th, 2020
Stop holding on to people that you know are not right for you out of fear of being alone. People deserve the chance to find someone that loves them into a different universe. You deserve that chance too.
Learn to Take Care of Yourself
I'd hate to find that you let yourself slip so far into the abyss, because you were waiting on someone to rescue you. I want us to care about ourselves more. I want us to understand that the only person capable of saving you is you. I often see people sit in depression just to see who will come around to help them. Basing their importance on what people will and won't do for them. Accusing friends of not being there for them, and totally disregarding the fact that everyone has their own stuff going on. Sometimes I see people ignore the help that they get, because they are so focused on testing a certain persons care for them. You may not always be surrounded by people you love and care about, but you are only truly alone if your soul is empty. Work on you. Love you before expecting others to love you. Give yourself respect so you can recognize when it is no longer present in your relationships. This will give you the ability to make the choice of walking away from people who do not treat you how you deserve. You set the bar. Expand your own mind. Become your own person. Figure out why things make you feel the way they do, and be confident enough to validate your own feelings. There are people who will make you feel like a villain for doing what's best for you, keep going. Make conscious choices. Cater to yourself.
Journal entry written on 05/04/19
I think we are at an age where we understand that time is finite. That every moment matters. I don’t spend time doing anything I don’t wanna do or being anywhere that I don’t wanna be. I’ve been hurt before. Nearly scarred. I use to love so easily. I had a natural appreciation for people and life itself. It only takes that one moment, that turning point, to change your entire perception of people. My past taught me that anyone can turn on you at the drop of a dime, regardless of history. That’s a lesson I won’t forget. I started doubting others more than usual. My suspicion at an all time high. I love being alone, and that doesn’t mean I don’t enjoy the company of others. The problem was, I couldn’t find anyone that I trusted with my time. That moment forever etched in my memory. It dictates who I allow into my life. Sometimes it comes in the form of fear. Fear of getting close to someone, and loving them. Fear of allowing them to love me. Fear that if I open my heart up I am liable to be left alone all over again, right as I was getting used to having someone around. I find comfort in the fact that we are all growing up and realizing that we are not here forever. The same way I don’t waste time being around people I don’t want to be around or in a place I don’t want to be, I believe that others share a similar mentality. That’s what helps me believe that maybe when a man tells me he wants to be around me and that he values his time with me, maybe he actually means it. Maybe I shouldn’t treat him as if he is something temporary. Maybe I should stick around long enough to see if his actions follow suit.
Just a Moment
I don’t wanna allow myself to open up these days because people are temporary… Whether I am the one walking away or not. Shit never lasts. How do you tell people you see them as phases. The reason you won’t express your deepest thoughts is because in the back of your mind, one day they will leave. Or even worse, you might be the one walking away; being responsible for the pain of another. Maybe eventually you will grow so far apart that you don’t even remember each others faces. I don’t think loving someone is hard. The hard part is showing up. I thinking the loudest act of love is showing that you are capable of being present. Love. An action word. Love is something that can’t just be said, but has to be shown in order for it to have meaning. The least you can do during your short stay in someone's life, is make sure you have the best time possible. Focus, Honesty, Effort, Laughter. Don’t be afraid of giving someone these things, because you think that it is some sort of agreement that you are now stuck. You always have a choice. By giving the best version of yourself to people, one day you might be lucky enough to create something worth sticking around for.
Make me Believe...
Make me believe that the butterflies in my stomach are real. I know... I know I deserve better, but I want better to be you. I want to like you, if you give me the chance to. If you give me something worth loving I'll take it and run with it. I chose you. Or maybe you chose me. We chose each other. Don't make me regret it.
You can try and blame your actions on someone in your past, but in the end you're the only one that will have to deal with the consequences. Do right by other people, and do right by yourself.
Dreams Money Can't Buy
Sometimes, when I can't sleep I stay up late and listen to artists rap about how depressed they are. How they never could imagine, in their wildest dreams, how incredibly worthless money would be. No matter how big the house or car, if your soul is empty, so are you. I hear the disappointment in the lyrics when they try to tell us that if this is as good as life gets, then maybe everything they left behind wasn't worth it. I learn lessons. I learn to treasure people, and never let money get in between me and those that I love. Yes, money is very important, but it could never love you back. I was taught at a very young age that it is impossible to love inanimate objects. I will never compromise my happiness for money. I won't fall into the trap of this crazy society. That being said, I know that I will be successful in whatever I put my heart in. I will love who I am, and what I do. No one would be able to tell me I'm not the most rich person in the world.
I think a girl's trip is in order... What's the saying? Flights not feelings? Yea, I can't wait... stay tuned.
I want you to know me
I want to be apart of your life right now, not something separate
I want to tell you about myself
I want you to know everything but I don’t want to waste my time.
I want you to know my friends
I want you to know me
Like the back of your hand
I want to know you
It’s hard to open up
It would be cool to know how your days go, even if it’s repetitive
what kind of music you like
your favorite food
the people you love
I don’t know if you feel the same
I’m at a place in my life where I can’t waste my time
And if we don’t work out that doesn’t mean time wasted,
but if in the time we spend together, I don’t get to know you, really know you, and at least make a friend
then that is when I will feel like it was all for nothing...
Respect my time
and I will respect yours
It was tiring approaching every new situation as if there was pain right around the corner. I was tired of only connecting physically, and not emotionally or mentally. I wanted more, but I was giving nothing. I've loved only one person since my last relationship. I wasn't in-love, thats something different. But, who's to say we couldn't get there? It was the type of love friends shared. It wasn't the type of love that strangled you, or the love that was all or nothing. It was a love that will last forever, because the only goal of that love is to see happiness; whether that be together or apart. The type of love that made me want to take a risk on my seemingly fragile heart. I let that connection go unintentionally. At the time, I was unable to understand my own heart, making it completely impossible to understand another. When that bond started to feel real, I retreated to my comfort. Real was scary. Real meant that I was making myself susceptible to embarrassment, rejection, or even worse... loss. It was hard for me to receive the passion or care he tried to give. I let our bond slip. I ran and hadn't looked back until recent. I didn't know I missed him, until I missed him. Weeks passed by and he was never on my mind until I started to reflect. A skill he had insisted I work on when we were still apart of each others life. When I started to reflect I focused on myself. I thought about who I was, who I am, and who I want to be. I acknowledged the growth that I've made. I realized that a couple months ago when I thought I had healed completely from my last burn, that I was still bruised. If I was healed, I would feel then, how I feel now. Ready to love or like openly and honestly. The moment I realized what I had done, I felt the need to reconcile and maybe salvage the bits and pieces of the love I let leave. I took a risk and communicated my regret. I was too late. Time had gotten the best of us. Things change fast. These days I take everything one step at a time. I'm not looking for anything, but I am confident that whenever love finds me I will be ready to receive and nurture it. I am ready for love in all aspects whether it be familial, through friendship, or through relationship. I've finally healed and it's beautiful. How lucky am I to have healed with no scar.
Keep in mind...
I once read, when you really love someone, there should be no fear of loss. Otherwise, that is attachment.
The Way I Trust
Journal entry written on 10/14/18...
My mistrust for people runs deeper than any ocean you've seen. It's strange, not being able to have full faith in anyone, not even family. My experience taught me to never give everything to one person because when they leave, you lose all of it and then some. Words mean less to me than the Venezuelan dollar (worth less than a napkin). If I were to fall for every word, I'd be letting myself fall into an alternate reality that I can not leave until my heart stops from utter shock, when I find out that you aren't really who you say you are. You'll love me forever ? Well show me, because that statement does nothing for me. If I am as different as you say I am, then I wanted to be treated as such. I want you to love me for everything that I am not and cherish everything that I am. Even then I will have reservations. I will always be myself unapologetically, but I wont expect you to stick around. Don't get me wrong, I'll be glad if you do but I wouldn't bet on it. I wouldn't bet on anyone but myself. I used to think that even I couldn't help failing myself, but I am here still pushing; I did that.
What Being in Love Means to Me...
Yesterday, I had tried to explain to a friend what being in love felt like, and I was at a loss of words. My body was warm thinking about it and my eyes were closed remembering the days where I had the luxury of loving and being loved. I'm gonna take another shot at explaining, so here goes nothing. Being in Love is one of the best feelings I have ever felt. It's the act of being perfectly in sync with another soul. Being in Love is having full trust in your partner, so the focus is always on being happy. There will be arguments, but there is no fear of loss because you know that your partner won't abandon you when things get hard. It's having full faith that another human being feels the same way you do about them, and when you are far from each other your thoughts are still aligned. It's acknowledging each others imperfections, and loving them for not being the same as everyone else. It's realizing that people make mistakes, but that doesn't mean that they are any less amazing. It's wanting to learn about your partners interests, because you want to be apart of the things they love and vice versa. It's being in a room full of people, and feeling like you are the only two there. It's wanting to share any and everything you have just because you can. It's endless laughter and smiling. It's happiness and joy even when nothing is said. It's being able to express any emotion and never feel judged. Being in love is leaving your pride at the door and laying your truth on the table as your loved one openly receives you. It's being held at night when things get a little overwhelming. It's an everlasting friendship. Being in love is showing an undying respect even when the love itself dies.
Not too long ago I decided to take control of my life. Instead of laying down in bed feeling like the world was just happening around me, I decided to be present in the lives of my friends and family. That one decision made all the difference. Opening up to people allowed me the opportunity to make valuable connections. This all started when I went through a break up with my on again/off again boyfriend of two and a half years, and it was something about this last break up that allowed me to realize that something needed to change. The feeling of loss is so powerful, and I'm actually surprised that I was able to turn so much emotion and negativity into something positive. I'm young, and I won't be young forever. I need to make these years count, so it starts now.
I am young, and still trying to figure this adult thing out. I come from a West Indian household, and my life has been a series of unexpected events, like most.